on things lost to us forever.

Russel and Kevin, from the film, Geography Club

WE HAD a loooong lunch together, all of us, and -- there was Gus, Mara, and her friend Henri. Mae joined in around past one. We had broiled fish, and salted eggs, steamed eggplants, steamed okra, ripe mangoes, sardines (in oil), and a salad of bulaklak ng katuray with bagoong, green mangoes, and tomatoes. Dessert was vanilla ice cream with huge slivers of peaches. Liza came to eat lunch, and disappeared for the university.

I was reminded of you. How we will never have that dinner party, anymore. But I remember your words and my trying to move on and along with things, and so I dismissed you out of my mind and successfully came to enjoy this rare afternoon with my new friends.

Four hours later we sip our green teas at the veranda, and whiled the time by watching the people pass by.

We all talked about work (the first hours). And then that new Thai BL series, "Two Moons". I commented that I like the Pha-Wayo tandem best of all, which seemed to animate everybody, giving their respective feedbacks on the tandem and the series' growing popularity. Next we talked about short term courses, audit courses at the university, film school, overseas work, food safety, massage clubs, forwarding services, and rent-controlled apartments.

As the sun set, later, I grew a bit sad, because the once-blue skies now turn orange-y violet, and the clouds hinted rain. I tell them this and everyone sighed, as if in understanding (I then grew curious on their sighs' meaning, but was shy to ask, being newest to the group.).

Still later and on the ride home (things to pack. Errand to get to.) and as I fished for money for the cab, I happened on your photograph tucked conveniently (and away) in the planner's sleeves (I keep money everyplace, not just on the wallet, but the bag's' pockets, and in planners, phone books, et cetera. Just in case.).

That's what's silly about our lives, I think, it is so very linear. We cannot catch a glimpse of the paths we choose not to take. It then began to rain. And my mind raced to that one particularly rainy evening, in Araneta Center. We just came from Puerto Galera and I followed you back to the city. I remember the bus dropped us off at Main, instead of Aurora, and because I knew the way better, I held your hand and we walked the length of way.

You remarked later how it had been your fantasy to get caught in the rains with someone special and how you took note of other people's stares at us and how little I cared for them. Oh but the thrill, you say. I stare at you and say, "Silly man. Fever and the cough will be the death of us, yet."

For about fifteen minutes and because the taxi was stuck near Megamall (traffic was beyond bad, that evening.), I allowed myself the indecency of lamenting for things lost, between us (otherwise, I would never. I promised myself. And you.).

Where are you now, I say, softly. I wonder about your own pursuit for happiness. I wonder about your dreams, how many of which you have made come true, now. I wonder whether you had fun with the things and places and people on your last trip somewhere. I wonder if you have someone to love, and who loves you. I wonder if your friends watch over you. I wonder about your health.

And then the rains stopped, and that was when I also stopped and checked myself against thinking more about you.



IT AMAZES ME sometimes, how, in the mad rush of things -- of getting to them, of fulfilling our dreams, of work, and the pursuits of success and happiness -- we inevitably lose some people, and feelings, and things -- along the way. Sometimes we let go of them deliberately, and sometimes we lose them quite by accident.

I question certain realities and I thought I must be going mad, for the realities I question were very had truths, by some people's standards.

I am blabbering on aimlessly with this piece, I know. *small laugh*

We lost each other. I now question this reality, and is trying to find meaning in it, in why we should live our lives apart from each other. Whatever happened to People who love one another should be together..? Are we more truly much happier now, without the other..?

I try to not focus too much on these things, as I hope you are doing, too (I do not really know. I wish there was a way, for me to know that you are, indeed, fine and well and happy and successful. But this is me going selfish, again.). I try to focus on the tasks at hand, and on tomorrow's, too.

I do not know, really, if I am any happier now than... when we still were together. All I know is how busy it can get from hereon.

That's what's silly about our lives, I think, it is so very linear. We cannot catch a glimpse of the paths we choose not to take. We can just move on and along, or live in perpetual regret. Or we can just pretend to forget. That's good, too.

And then I grow curious again, about Love, and Forever. Now fully aware of their existence and the power they yield, I ask why we cannot give both to the other. Why we can just choose one, sometimes. And for some of us, even denied, altogether.

Ahhhhhhh. You probably am laughing at all these crazy-talk. I am a bit, too, truthfully. Of course you are well. Of course you are happy. I choose to put my faith on these beliefs, instead (I am fearful, of the other... er, choices.).

Had this been a letter, this is the part where I would put in declarations of feelings, for you. But I guess we are beyond that now.






________________

Listening to:  Could I Have This Kiss Forever by Whitney Houston feat. Enrique Iglesias