because somebody asked

This is a republished article, in its original and raw glory (for it already appeared in my other blog, though edited to appear current and refashioned to fit the time, which was 2016.). Enjoy.

IT HAS BEEN six months. It still hurts. I am not so very surprised at this, contrary to how I am behaving. I think I am the type of person who moves on ever so slowly. (It is thoroughly okay if you’re not like that. We’re just different, is all.).

But what is time, you ask. For some people it’s easier. For some, worse.

It has only been six months. I wish I could tell you just when the bad days would stop, and when exactly I could fight off the tears from coming. Or when I would stop with the “suddenly breaking into a smile” habit (I am remembering something. Something wonderful, that happened, in 2008.).

I accept that there is no more “us” or any more possibility of “future us”. That dream is long dead. I do not dwell too much on the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. I don’t think I am that type of person (Because some people are. I know. And that is okay, too.). It’s everyday. It still is the first thought in my head upon waking. It still is the last thought I have, when I come to bed. When I see a good movie or read a great book or visit a strange but wonderful place, it is my ex whom I remember and miss and wish I could share those experiences with. I am truly sorry.

And of course I am doing something about it. I am not holding on to it (Goodness, no. I truly want it to go away, now. I even ask help from people. How to get it off and get on with life.) You would not believe some of the things I tried, just to forget, even for a small while. Outrageous things. Small, silly things. Big, cruel things.



A WEEK AGO, a fellow named Neanderthal tells me he loves me and that he wouldn’t mind so much if it would appear like I am using him to move on and that it’s okay for him to be the rebound person and that he thinks it might be a great idea to just go out with him or my work buddies or other people (so long as it wasn’t for romantic reasons).

Having a laughing fit seeing I am a bit perplexed, he even further suggested “getting it out of my system” and to have “lots and lots of selfish and anonymous sex”. For a while. Or a long time, till I “return to normal.”

He even offers that we move in together, I being on the market for a new apartment (Or room. Or bed space.), and him finding his present place too inconvenient. And of course, there is this declarations of love (I have strong doubts, however. Still.) which pepper our talks.

I stare at him in disbelief. In my head I try to honestly process what he was saying, taking it all from his point of view. I tried not to go all enraged and mad and angry.

But I held the thoughts to myself and smiled and said, “No. But thank you. You are very kind.”

All these on the strength of three meetings..? Wow. What is happening to the dating scene, I begin to wonder. Five years ago people were playing so hard-to-get. Now people are throwing themselves off bridges and cliffs and all over other people. Wow.

And this is how I began to avoid seeing, calling, and texting Neanderthal. He is a good guy, he really is. But all the reasons he mentioned for getting together are so so wrong, I feel. And worst of all, I am going to be his ruin and I just couldn’t bring myself to do that to him.



YESTERDAY, I WAS reminded of my ex again. I was in this jeepney going home from my sister’s house. This song came on and I was thrown back to 2008. I was loved and happy. I was loving and making this other person happy. We had our dreams and we were making them all come true, one by one.

And it was just too much to bear that I had to get off that silly jeepney. I find myself in Cubao. So I sit outside of KFC and gave it my all (the tears, I mean.).



ANOTHER TIME, a few friends and I were at this grill place near Pasong Tamo Ext. The topic of discussion moved to break ups (Remember that mine was kept from them and so nobody knew they were being off. So let us forgive them.).

One fella (we were a mix of women and men.) opined that girls have it worst, as guys have the easier time getting closure, and moving on. And he then told stories of his friends, to illustrate.

Of course I disagree. But at the time I simply smiled when asked for my thoughts and just said, “I dunno. Depende. Ask somebody else, please.”



WHAT I PRAY FOR NOW is for peace of mind, most of all. Oh and for my ex to find her happiness. As of the moment, she still is my happiness, and everybody else just pales in comparison (Deathly. She is rosy as compared to your pink. I am sorry. But this is how I feel.). Yes, I should stop with the comparing, I learned. You are different. She is different. But I cannot help it. I try to, but I cannot help it. It is difficult to explain this.

Looking back in what we had, I do not regret anything. I love our loving and building a life together, short-lived though that was. I love our agreements and pacts and projects, as well as our fighting and arguing. I love it all.

I still use the present tense sometimes, referring to it. My loving. There are days when I resent these “residual” (in parenthesis because I do not agree) feelings for her, for it is the cause of so much pain and hurting and suffering. And then there are days when I am so glad because it is the source of my joy and peace and happiness. (I stepped outside of myself. Somebody else came. And we moved out of ourselves and became and moved as One. Yey. ).



I WONDER, of course. Things. But I fight it off. Sometimes.

It would be easy, if one were to want to “do something”. She is, after all, still in my silly Facebook. I still have her phone numbers. We are linked in Multiply, and are friends in Friendster. Plus I am good friends with her sisters (All three.). We were friends for quite a while (Seventeen years.) before we became “us”. Our families know each other.

Admittedly, it is so strange and weird and a lot difficult. I wonder if one day we are going to be friends again. If we are going to talk about what happened. Or if we are going to remain in limbo and choose to move on and away from each other’s lives and be strangers.

They (her sisters) ask, and I answer. What happened? I give them the very very clipped and emo-free answers. And then one day, they just simply stopped asking.

I wrote these long long letters, long ago. In them I poured all anger, all loving, all hatred, all caring. I cursed and whined and asked a million questions.

But I did not send them out, of course. And then one day, too, I deleted them all from the PC. The letters, I mean. The handwritten ones I threw away.

I also come to visit certain places which meant something to us – er, just to me, now. I sit at our tables and order food we liked. Some days I wallow and some days I congratulate myself for not being too icky and baduy and memories-clingy.

Mostly though, I wonder if she is keeping safe, has somebody to love her, has somebody to love. Mostly, just that. Often it is a million things, as her hair, her clothes, her scent, her laughter, her way of smiling and her way of walking and moving and loving other people, her poetry, her writings, and so on. Has it/they changed? I hope for the better. Yes, let’s pin our hopes on that.

Oh. No. I accept that there is no more “us” or any more possibility of “future us”. That dream is long dead. I do not dwell too much on the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. I don’t think I am that type of person (Because some people are. I know. And that is okay, too.).

I just wonder, from time to time. I think it’s very normal. After all, it has only been six months.



YES, I THINK IN TIME, I will forget. Perhaps the feelings will fade. But for now, it still is in the present tense. My feelings. How I feel. The relationship ended, but not how I feel, for this person. I love her. Present tense.

Meanwhile. All the insanities of everyday living. Let’s get it on.